Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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