you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
