its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
