If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
