matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
