I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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