Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
