I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
