Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
