Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
