so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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