Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
