I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
