yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
