Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
