ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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