either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
