In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
