it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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