after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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