I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
