omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
