I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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