I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
