i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
