She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
