Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
