I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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