If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
