so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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