Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
