I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
