Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
