last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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