How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
