I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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