i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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