She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
