Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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