sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
