I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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