i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
