You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
