I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
