There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
