I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
