She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
porn star boner night. come get it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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