Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
