my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
