Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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