I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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