winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
