She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
