Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
