she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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