At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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