I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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